Cumnock Play, c.1883

[Introducer]

A-room! A-room! ye gallant boys;
and give me room to rhyme.
Ye think we're of the dirty crew;
we're of the royal prime,
Stir up the fire and give us light
for in this house there'll be a fight.
If you don't believe these words, I say:
Step in. Sir William Wallace, and clear the way.

WALLACE

Here come I, Sir William Wallace, stout as I am brave.
Many a bold Englishman I've sent to his grave.
'Tis forty years since Bruce's fa'.
If I'd him here I'd lay him low.

BRUCE

Here come I, King Robert the Bruce, my battle-axe over my shoulder.
England, Ireland to reduce, and Scotland to reign over.
I killed a dog in yonder field,
who tried to make a Scotsman yield;
I'd rather see my blood to flow,
and lay Sir William Wallace in the snow.

WALLACE

You, sir?

BRUCE

I, sir.

WALLACE

Take out your sword and try, sir.

{They draw swords and engage with three strokes upward and one downward. This is repeated till Bruce is slain with a stab and lies down.}

GALOSHANS

Here comes I, Galoshans; Galoshans is my name,
With sword and pistol by my side, I hope to win the game.

WALLACE

The game, sir, the game, sir, is not within your power.
I'll cut your down in inches in less than half an hour.

GALOSHANS

You, sir.

WALLACE

I, sir.

GALOSHANS

Take out your sword and try, sir.

{Galoshans is killed and falls.}

JAKE

Here comes I, auld Jake Strae Straw Strum Striddle,
I'm that man that chased the devil
Through a rock, through a reel,
through an auld spinnin' wheel.
Through a bag of pepper, through a bag of saut,
Did ye ever see sic a man as that:
Auld Jake Strae Straw Strum Striddle.

{Jake makes for the door when he hears Beelzebub coming in.}

BEELZEBUB

Here comes I, Beelzebub, Over my shoulders I carry my club
In my hand a frying pan. I think myself a jolly man.
Here comes I, who never came yet, big head and little wit.
Though my head is so big and my body so small,
I do my best to please you all.

BLUE SAILOR

Here comes I, Blue Sailor, Blue Sailor from the sea.
With a bunch of blue ribbons tied under my knee.
A rose in my breast, a sword in my hand,
I'll fight any Frenchman that stands in the land.

{Blue Sailor gives Wallace the 'cujy' - a challenging shove with the shoulder. They fight and Blue Sailor falls dead.}

UNCLE

Alas! Alas! What's this you've done?
You've killed my brother's only son:
Only son and only heir.
Do you see him lying bleeding there?

WALLACE

Yes, I see him lying bleeding there, his blood stream flowing round him.
There's no man in all Scotland could handle a broad sword like him.

HAIRY CAP

Here comes I, bold Hairy Cap, my buckles shine so bright,
Before I'd lose so many men, I draw my sword and fight.

{He is despatched by Wallace.}

JOHNNY FUNNY

Here comes I, wee Johnny Funny,
I'm the man that likes the money
Great big pooches doon tae ma knees,
fine for haudin' bawbees.
A penny or tippence 'll dae ye nae hairm.
Sixpence or a shillin' 'll no break your airm.
Ladies and gentlemen, you'll never grow fat,
if ye don't put a penny in my auld hat.

{Collection}

DR BROON

Here comes I, auld Dr Broon,
the best auld doctor in the toon.
I cured a man wi' a broken thoom,
sae whit dae ye think o' Dr Broon?

WALLACE

Say on, sir!

DR BROON

As I was going over the long bridge of Belfast,
and the short one of Derry,
I met my Auntie Pat.
She roars 'Pat',
I roars 'What?'
She took me up three stairs and down five.
She gave me a big bowl of broth
which took me three nights to get to the bottom of it.

WALLACE

Say on, sir.

DR BROON

The joint of a flea's leg. I broke it in two,
and put a half in one pocket and another in that.
Now the next day, as I was going over the same old bridge,
I met a big Newfoundland dog.
It came sniff, sniff, sniff,
till it sniffed one of the bones out of my pocket,
and then it ran.
It ran and ran over hitches and ditches near two hundred miles.
At last I catched him by the tail,
and swung him three times round my head.
He spit in my fist.
Do you feel the smell of it yet, sir?

WALLACE

Say on, sir.

DR BROON

Rise up all ye dead men, and sing a song.