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{Enter OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS.}
Old Father Christmas
Here comes I, old Father Christmas,
Welcome or welcome not;
I hope Old Father Christmas will never be forgot.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you do not believe what I say,
Walk in my son, Room, and boldly clear the way.{Enter ROOM.}
Room
Here comes I, gallant Room, pray give me room to enter,
For I have brought some sport to while away the winter;
An old act, a new act, that was never acted before,
Since I left my poor old grey-headed grandfather down
at my old back door.
If you do not believe what I say,
Walk in Turkish Knight and boldly clear the way.Turkish Knight
Here comes I that Turkish Knight,
Just come from that Turkish land to fight;
If King George do meet me here,
I will try his courage without fear.King George
Here comes I, King George,
With my glittering sword and spear;
I fought the dragon boldly and brought him to the slaughter,
But 'twas thus I gained the fairest maid of all, the King of Egypt's daughter.Turkish Knight
I pray, King George, do not make so bold,
If thy blood is hot, I will soon make it cold.King George
My blood is hot as any fire,
And so cold as any clay,
And with my glittering sword and spear,
I'll take thy life away.Turkish Knight
Thee and I will a battle try
King George
If I conquer, thou must die.
{They fight. TURKISH KNIGHT is killed.}
Thy first son, Old Father, is dead;
Call in thy second son Marshalee, that champion whom I dread.{Enter MARSHALEE}
Marshalee
Here comes I Marshalee,
I am the man who will conquer thee;
My head is lined with iron,
My body is lined with steel,
I will fight thee, King George,
If it is not against thy will.King George
If it's not against thy will, Marshalee,
Or yet against thy might;
If thou could'st fight against King George,
Then draw thy sword and fight?{They fight. MARSHALEE is wounded.}
Thy second son, Old Father, is wounded ;
Call in thy third son, the Valiant Soldier,{Enter VALIANT SOLDIER}
Valiant Solder
Here comes I, that Valiant Soldier,
Slasher is my name;
With sword and pistol by my side
I hope to win the game.
One of my brothers I have seen wounded,
And another I have seen slain;
I'll fight thee, King George,
On the British plain.King George
Thee and I will a battle try
Valiant Soldier
If I conquer, thou must die.
{They fight. VALIANT SOLDIER falls wounded.}
King George
Thy third son, Old Father, is wounded;
Call in thy fourth son, the Cutting Star,
That champion whom I dread.{Enter CUTTING STAR}
Cutting Star
Where is King George, that champion bold?
If his blood is hot, I will soon have it cold.King George
Here am I, King George. I am come here,
And will try thy courage without fear.Cutting Star
Here comes I, the Cutting Star,
Just come from that dreadful war;
I have fought many a battle with the French,
And come to encounter thee, King George, so bold.King George
Thee and I will a battle try
Cutting Star
If I conquer, thou must die.
{They fight CUTTING STAR falls.}
King George
I have a little bottle by my side called the Liptupain; [?]
If that soldier is alive, let him rise and fight again.Turkish Knight
Oh! pardon me, King George. Oh! pardon me, I crave;
Pardon me this night, and I will be thy slave.King George
I never will pardon thee, Turkish Knight;
Therefore rise thou, Turkish Knight,
Draw thy sword, and we will fight.Room
Hold thy hand, butcher, and kill no more,
For I fear for their poor wives and families.King George
Are you the brother of these dead men
That lie bleeding on the ground?Room
Yes, I am, and come to try thy might.
King George
If you are come to try my might,
Draw thy purse and pay thy part:
And draw thy sword and we will fight.Old Father Christmas
What wild moans and wild groans there are in the field of battle!
Is there a doctor to be found
Can rise these dead men from the ground,
And have them for to stand?King George
Yes, Father, there is a doctor to be found
Can rise these dead men from the ground,
And bring them for to stand.Father Christmas
Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!
You had better call him, King George,King George
I will warrant he will answer to my first call. Doctor!
Doctor
Oh yes! Father, there is a doctor to be found,
Can rise these dead men from the ground,
And have them for to stand.Father Christmas
What canst thou cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy, and the gout
All pains in, and all pains out,
And if the devil is in thy sons,
I will quickly pull him out.Father Christmas
What's thee [thy?] fees?
Doctor
Fifty poun', Father.
Father Christmas
What's say, half-crown?
Doctor
Fifty poun', Father.
Father Christmas
I ain't got so much money as that.
Doctor
I can't do it no less.
Father Christmas
Nory [ne'er a] trifle less at all?
Doctor
Fifty poun' is my fee,
But ten less, I'll take of thee.Father Christmas
Try thee skill.
Doctor
I have a little bottle by my side, called the dicky-whip [?]
I put a drop to each soldier's heart,
Rise! Champions, rise! and all pay your part.Father Christmas
I have travelled o'er hills and valleys
where the winds never blow,
nor the cock never crow,
nor the Devil never sound his horn-pipe.
That was never in your time,
and nobody else's time;
time when little birds used to build in old man's beards,
but ain't got norry [ne'er a] one in mine yet.King George
I've heard a great deal about your old travels.
Did you never get a partiner? [partner.]Father Christmas
I should think I did.
King George
What may your partiner's name be?
Father Christmas
Old Bet.
King George
Call her in, in the old fashion - Bet -
Father Christmas
Bet! Bet! Bet!
King George
Call her a little louder.
Father Christmas
I wish you to call her, King George.
King George
Dorothy Dame!
{Enter OLD BET.}
Old Bet
Here comes I, little Dame Dorothy,
I wish you all a very good morrety [morn t'ye].
My head is big, my body is small,
I'll endeavour my best to please you all.Father Christmas
Wher'st thou been, Bet?
Bet
In the land of Nod, John,
Where there's devil, man, nor dog, John.Father Christmas
Dissen [didn't ye] see nobody at all there, Bet?
Bet
No, John, only an old man chewing baccy.
Father Christmas
Didener [didn't he] gee [give] thee norry [ne'er a] quid, Bet?
Bet
Yes, John.
Father Christmas
Where's my sher [share]?
Bet
Up in higher cupboard.
Father Christmas
Not there, Bet.
Bet
Down in lower cupboard.
Father Christmas
Tidden ['tisn't] there, Bet. Oh! you lying old hag!
Bet
I have fired it through a nine-inch wall,
knocked down a puppy dog;
hear 'un say "bow wow" nine times aƤder [after] he was dead.{FATHER CHRISTMAS, enraged, beats BET round the house, and finally kills her.}
Father Christmas
What wild moans and wild groans there are in a field of battle!
Is there any doctor to be found
Can rise my dead wife from the ground,
And bring her for to stand?King George
Oh! yes, there is a doctor to be found,
Can rise your dead wife from the ground,
A.nd bring her for to stand.Father Christmas
Doctor! doctor! doctor
King George
Call her a little louder, Father.
Father Christmas
Doctor! doctor! doctor! doctor!
I can't call him any louder. You call him, King George.King George
Doctor!
{Enter DOCTOR.}
Doctor
Yes, Father, there is a doctor to be found
Can rise your dead wife from the ground,
And have her for to stand.Father Christmas
What canst cure?
Doctor
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy, and the gout,
All pains in and all pains out ;
And if the old man is in thy wife I'll quickly turn him out.Father Christmas
What's thee [thy] fees?
Doctor
Fifty poun', father.
Father Christmas
I ain't got so much money as that.
Doctor
Fifty poun' is my fee,
Father, but ten less I'll take of thee.Father Christmas
Can't you cure norry [ne'er a] bit more?
Doctor
Yes, Father, all young women that have the heartache,
give them a pill of mine,
That will set them all right in a decline.Father Christmas
Cans't thou rise my dead wife from the ground?
Doctor
Bleed her in the eye vein, Father.
{FATHER CHRISTMAS goes to her feet, and then to her head to bleed her feet.}
Now, Bet, dance with John?
{BET gets up.}
Father Christmas
Fal the dal! my wife's alive;
Where's thee ben [been] to, Bet?Bet
Where's thee ben to, John?
Father Christmas
Ich ben [I've been] hunting.
Bet
What'st catched, John?
Father Christmas
Wold [old] dry Jack hare.
Bet
Howse [How are you] going haven [have it] cooked, John?
Father Christmas
I shall haven fried.
Bet
I shall haven griddled [grilled].
Father Christmas
I shall haven fried.
Bet
I shall never have a wold [old] Jack hare fried.
Father Christmas
Goo [go] and get the hobby-hoss, Bet.
{The hobby-horse is brought in, upon which FATHER CHRISTMAS mounts.}
Doctor
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
you can plainly see that I am not one of these Italian doctors
running from door to door, telling a pack of lies,
for I can cure the sick and rise the dead right plain before your eyes,
and bring them for to stand.{Here follows a Song, after which exeunt OMNES.}
Notes
Udal's Preamble:
"The second version, which I will now give, appears to me to bo useful not only in showing the difference in the characters themselves that exists in a representation that must have taken place almost side by side with the other, but also in affording here and there a few words of the old Dorset vernacular, to which I have added translation in a parenthesis, for the benefit of those readers of the 'Folk-Lore Record' who may not have met with the words before.
The dramatis personae are as follows :
OLD FATHER CHRISTMAS
ROOM.
TURKISH KNIGHT.
KING GEORGE.
MARSHALEE.
VALIANT SOLDIER
CUTTING STAR.
DOCTOR.
OLD BET.
Udal's Epilogue:
"The play over, and the actors regaled with such good cheer as the hospitable hearts of the Dorsetshire folk seldom refused, the Mummers passed on to the next parish, where to a fresh and ever-delighted audience they went through a repetition of their performance; and though, if the night were wet, and the wind cold, they experienced rough usage at times, yet their welcome was all the warmer at their next halting-place, so that none could doubt for a moment but that they came in for no small share of the delights of a 'merry Christmas.'
J.S.UDAL.
Inner Temple."
Indexer's Notes (with help from Peter Robson):
This is the second of two Dorsetshire texts published by Udal in this paper. The location of neither is identified in the paper, other than saying that they come from "two distinct parishes in the south-west of Dorset" (p.87). The first has been identified from other sources as coming from Symondsbury, but the location of this second text remains unknown. From his knowledge of other plays local to Symondsbury, Peter Robson suggests that it may hail from Burton Bradstock or Powerstock/West Milton.
Udal uses the uncapitalised word "mummers" throughout this paper, which taken in isolation would raise doubts as to whether this was the actual name used locally for the actors.