Callander & Dixon's Alexander Chapbook - 1847-1891

{Enter Alexander}

{Alexander Speaks.}

Alexander

Silence, brave gentlemen : if you will give an Eye,
Alexander is my name, I sing a tragedy;
A ramble here I took, the country for to see,
Three Actors here I have brought so far from Italy;
The first I do present, he is a noble king,
He's just come from the wars, good tidings he doth bring.
The next that doth come in, he is a doctor good,
Had it not been for him, I'd surely lost my blood.
Old Dives is the next, a miser you may see,
Who by lending of his gold, has come to poverty.
So, gentlemen, you see our actors will go round,
Stand off a little while, more pastime will be found.

{Enter Actors}

Alexander

Room, room, brave gallants, give us room to sport,
For in this room we wish for to resort,
Resort, and to repeat our merry ryhme,
For remember, good sirs, this is Christmas time;
The time to cut up goose pies now doth appear,
So we are come to act our merry Christmas here :
At the sound of the trumpet, and beat of the drum,
Make room, brave gentlemen and let our actors come,
We are the merry actors that traverse the street;
We are the merry actors that fight for our meat;
We are the merry actors that show pleasant play,
Step in, thou king of Egypt, and clear the way.

King of Egypt

I am the king of Egypt, as plainly doth appear,
And prince George he is my only son and heir:
Step in, therefore my son, and act they part with me.
And shew forth thy fame before the company.

Prince George

I am prince George, a champion brave and bold.
for with my spear I've won three crowns of gold;
'Twas I that brought the dragon to the slaughter,
And I that gain'd the Egyptian monarch's daughter,
In Egypt's fields I prisoner long was kept,
But by my valour I from them escaped :
I sounded loud at the gates of a divine,
And out came a giant of no good design,
He gave me a blow, which almost struck me dead,
But I up with my sword and cut off his head.

Alexander

Hold, Slasher, hold, pray do not be so hot,
For in this place thou know'st not who thoust got;
'Tis I that's to hash and smash thee, as small as flies,
And send thee to Satan to make mince pies;
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold,
I'll send thee to Satan ere three days are told,
Now hold, prince George, before you go away,
Either you or I must die this bloody day;
Some mortal wonnds thou shalt receive by me,
So let is fight it out most man-fully.

{Exeunt}

{Alexander and prince George fight, the latter is wounded and falls.}

{King of Egypt speaks.}

King of Egypt

Curs'd christian, what is this thou hast done?
Thou hast ruin'd me by killing my only son.

Alexander

He gave me a challenge, why should I him deny
How high he was but see how low he lies.

King of Egypt

O Sambo! Sambo! help me now,
For I was never in more need;
For thee to stand with sword in hand,
And to fight at my command.

Sambo

Yes, my liege, I will thee obey,
And by my sword I hope to win the day;
Yonder stands he who has killed my master's son,
I'll try if he be sprung from royal blood,
And has his ruin thoughtlessly begun
And through his body make an ocean flood,
Gentlemen, you see my sword's point is broke,
Or else, I'd run it through that villian's throat.

King of Egypt

Is there never a doctor to be found,
That can cure my son of his deadly wound.

Doctor

Yes there is a docter to be found,
That can cure your son of his deadly wound.

King of Egypt

What diseases can he cure?

Doctor

All diseases both within and without,
Broken heads, legs, arms and the gout :
Come in an ugly, nasty, dirty brute,
Whose age is threescore years or more,
Whose nose and face stand all awry.
I'll make her very fitting to pass by
I'll give a coward a heart if he be willing,
Will make him stand without fear of killing :
And any man that's got a scolding spouse,
And wearies him with living in the house;
I'll ease him his complaint and make her civil,
Or else will send her to the treadmill.
Ribs, legs, or arms, when any's broke, I'm sure
I presently of them will make a cure;
If you should break you neck, I'll cure it again.
So here's a doctor rare,
who Travels far from home!
And with my pills.
I cure all Ills,
past present, and to come.
I in my time many thousands have directed,
And likewise have as many more dissected,
To cure a love-sick maid, like me there's none,
For with two of my pills the job I've done;
I take her home and rub her o'er and o'er,
Then if she die ne'er believe me more.
To cure your son, good sir, I do fear not,
With this small bottle, which by me I've got;
The balsam is the best it does contain,
Rise up, my good Prince George, and fight again.

{Prince George arises.}

{Prince George speaks.}

Prince George

O Horrible! terrible! the like was never seen,
A man driven out of seven senses into fifteen;
And out of fifteen into fourscore,
O horrible! terrible! the like was ne'er before.

Alexander

Thou silly ass that liv'st on grass, dost thou abuse a stranger,
I live in hopes to buy new ropes, and tie thy nose to a manger.

Prince George

Sir unto you I bend.

Alexander

Stand off thou slave, I think thee not my friend.

Prince George

A slave, Sir! that's for me by far too base a name,
That word deserves to stab thine honour's fame.

Alexander

To be stabb'd, sir, is the least of all my care,
Appoint your time and place, I'll meet you there.

Prince George

I'll cross the water at the hour of five.

Alexander

I'll meet you there, Sir if I be alive.

Prince George

But stop, sir - I'll wish you a wife, both lusty and young,
Can speak French, Dutch and the Italian tongue.

Alexander

I'll have none such.

Prince George

Why, don't you love your learning?

Alexander

Yes I love my learning as I love my life,
I love a learned scholar, but not a learned wife.
Stand off, I have as many Hussians, cussians, chairs and stools,
As you've had sweethearts, boys, girls, and fools;
I love a woman, and a woman loves me,
And when I want a fool I'll send for thee.

King of Egypt

Sir, to express thy beauty, I'm not able,
Thy face shines like the very kitchen table;
Thy head is rounder that a cannon ball
And thy teeth are no whiter than charcoal,

Alexander

Stand off, thou dirty dog, or by my sword thou'lt die,
I'll make thy body full of holes, and cause thy buttons to fly.

{Exeunt}

{King of Egypt fights and is killed.}

{Enter Prince George}

Prince George

Oh! what is here? Oh! what is to be done?
Our king is slain, the crown is likewise gone;
Take up his body bear it hence away,
For in this place no longer shall it stay.

{The conclusion}

Bouncer buckler, mummer's dear,
And Christmas comes but once a year;
Though when it comes, it brings good cheer,
So farewell Christmas once a year.
Farewell, adieu! we wish friendship and unity.
I hope we have made sport and pleased the company;
But, gentlemen, you see we are but actors four,
We've done our best, and the best can do no more.

{Enter Beelzebub}

Beelzebub

Here comes I, that never came yet,
Big head and little wit ;
Let my wit be ever so small,
I'll act my part amongst you all.
My name's Old Harry Sloan, that everybody knows,
They put me in the corn fields, to flay away the crows.
I went to the millers to buy a sack of flour,
I came to a ditch, and couldn't get o'er,
I saddled my horse, and I drew my sword,
And down I fell upon the high road.
Some say the King's dead, and buried in a saucer,
Some say he's up again, and gone to be a grocer.
I went to my Aunt Betty's to get some bread and butter
And being in a hurry, I fell into a gutter.
Here I come, Old Beelzebub,
Over my shoulder I carry my club,
In my hand my frying pan ;
Now don't you think I'm a jolly old man.
Money I want, and money I crave,
If you don't give us money, I'll sweep you all to your grave.